|
Growing
Up With Your Kids
by Jim Davis
Parenthood has
stages of development, just like childhood. If we aren't careful, we
can get stuck in a stage while our son or daughter is moving on to
another one. Of course, these stages for a parent can be quite
complicated if you have more than one child. You can need to be in
various stages of parental development, depending on which child you
are dealing with at a particular time. This makes the process of
"growing up with your kids" a particularly tricky process.
If you are the
parent of a teen, you are dealing with a person who
"flip-flops" between wanting to be an adult and wanting to
be a child. You will find yourself in the position at times of
needing to be protective, while at other times trying to "push
them out of the nest to learn to fly on their own." One of the
main problems we have with this, of course, is wanting them to fly
"the right way" (make that "our way".) And, many
times their way is one we know will bring them problems. We often
know that because of our own experiences or the experiences of others
we have observed. Sometimes we believe we are right because we have
learned how to make judgments based on the knowledge we have gained
over the years.
We tend to forget,
however, the frustrations we had when our parents tried to
"help" us at that age. We often justify our actions by
noting that we didn't realize how much our parents knew at that time
and how we should have listened to them. What makes this even more
difficult is that the situation may really demand that we provide
this protection for our kids. For example, no responsible parent
would go along with their son or daughter going out with a group who
were drinking.
The problems
really come about when we don't distinguish between those situations
where we must "be in charge" and those where we can let
them make mistakes on their own.
For example, when
my older son was about 14, he and his closest friend decided they
would build a log house in the woods behind his friend's house. When
I found out what they were planning, I proceeded to point out to him
all the reasons they probably would not succeed. I would have been a
lot more help in that situation if I had just encouraged him to go
ahead and try. As it turned out, they did go ahead and were even
successful to some degree. But it was several years before I found
out about it.
When he was in
college, he found a 1969 Chevelle that was in terrible condition and
decided he wanted to buy it and restore it. This time his mom and I
decided to keep our negative thoughts to ourselves and just help when
asked. That brought about a somewhat nerve wracking experience when
we helped him bring the oil-burner back home (across the Smoky
Mountains, no less, ) with me driving his other car and his mom
driving ours. In this case, the job turned out to be a lot bigger
than he anticipated and the car just sat in our back yard for several
years until he decided to sell it.
That was as big a
growing experience for me as it was for him. It was kind of late for
me to learn it, but I came to the realization that I didn't have to
tell him he had made a bad decision. He figured that out all by
himself. But, if he hadn't made that bad decision there were several
things he would not have learned (and several that I would not have
learned either.)
About three years
later, when he had finished college and was trying to get established
on his own, we had what was probably our most significant experience
of this type. He found a small house that needed a great deal of work
and wanted to buy it, but he was a bit reluctant to take on such a
project by himself. I took what was a pretty big step in my
"growing" process then. I told him I would help him do
whatever it took to fix up the house, but that it would be a
different relationship than we had ever had before. Since it was his
house he would be in charge, and his decisions would always be final.
I would offer my opinions when asked, and also when I thought he
might be making a mistake. But he would have total control.
We not only did a
pretty good job remodeling that old house, we also learned a lot
about building that neither of us knew before. But even more than
that, we developed a relationship as one adult to another that took
us to a level neither of us expected.
You
can develop that kind of relationship with your children as they
(and you) grown up together. I hope you can use some of the ideas and
examples I have given to help you make your family's "growing up
together" an even better experience.
Return
to home page |
